My Pursuit of Happiness
Where the Shoe Drops
Three years ago, I hit my rock bottom. I was fired from my job. The job, if you asked the people who knew where I worked. Now some people might think that being fired, in particular being fired for doing the right thing, should leave me with a sense of pride, taking the moral high ground, doing what was right even at my own expense, but instead I felt completely empty inside. It was the first time I felt that I had truly failed, and when I understood the phrase 'good guys finish last.' I immediately became jaded, having my eyes opened for the first time to the reality that not everything will just work out. Those closest to me wanted me to sue for wrongful termination, others praised my bravery and that things happen for a reason, that I am meant for bigger and better things, that this was just the beginning to the best years of my life.
From the outside looking in, I'm sure they believed their truths, that I was just going to bounce right back and there was no need to cry over spilled milk. How wrong they were. Professionally, yes, I guess you can say I bounced back but it took me moving to another state and uprooting my then boyfriend now husband from the life he always dreamed he would have. Internally, however, I still have not recovered. I lost that fire, that spark, that energy for my life and work that I have yet to regain. I began to eat because food always made me happy until it stopped making me happy until my pants stopped fitting and my wedding dress broke the day of my wedding, until my joints hurt and my soul hurt more. I cried most days, telling others the same lie I said in high school that my allergies were acting up or I got something in my eye, until I was crying on a 6-hour flight back from London, not noticing the scene and discomfort I inflicted on the strangers around me. I swallowed my anger to the point that it became the only way I could express myself. The person I knew died when I handed HR my keys and badge, and then was observed as I cleaned out three years of materials I had collected in my first office while the athletes I cared for and the people I worked for looked on with tears in their eyes and pity on their faces, and now, three years later I am still trying to blow up the brick wall, as Dixie Gillaspie put it, that I have put around my heart, mind, and soul.
Step 1: Reinvention?
When my husband and I moved to North Carolina I thought that not being surrounded by constant reminders of my bitter past would rid me of the pain and anxiety I felt, at least I hoped it would. I could not have been more wrong. See here's the funny thing about closing off yourself to the world, no matter where you go or what career changes you make, the issues you had, if not properly handled will still be there when you open up a new door no matter how shiny, promising and bright that door is. YOU will still be on the other side of that door. The emptiness, the pain, the anger, and frustration was still there waving its hind parts at me like a mischievous adolescent. I also was not ready for the amount of control I had let it take over. It had consumed me and began spilling over consuming my loved ones and my day to day life. I found it harder and harder to sleep at night, to laugh, to write, to dance, to just be, so I sought the help of a psychologist, who diagnosed me with depression and anxiety, which to be honest made me even more depressed and anxious about day to day life. She was wonderful, but I was not ready to put in the work need to make a change. I was comfortable with the rainclouds hovering overhead, I was comfortable not eating healthy, not exercising, coming home and doing absolutely nothing but planning for my wedding. I was complacent because it was easy to do and easy to maintain. There was no risk involved, not discomfort, no effort, no feeling. Doing nothing meant I could not be hurt again and that was good enough for me, then. Then I started using the 'oh everything will get better after I'm married' still believing the myth that it is someone else's job to ensure your happiness, that weddings=happy, marriage=success/victory etc. And then it was over, the wedding came and went and I was left alone with myself sans distractions and projects and quickly returned to the complacent, cry when I see a commercial Laura that I had always been and that the numbness I felt had made its way into my soul. I was frightened. Frightened of what I thought I would do to myself frightened about what I was doing to myself and then I snapped. Faced with the chilling reality of where this road would lead me I slowly began to dig myself out of the hole. Now, mind you I was using a kids plastic beach spade to do it, but who cares about the tool as long as it gets you from point a to point b right!