The "No" Complex

“Sometimes "No" is the kindest word.”

― Vironika Tugaleva

No, a 2 letter word that can be a determiner of action, used as an exclamation, an adverb or noun. A simple word that is usually one of the first words that you speak as a child, and yet it has become so difficult as an adult to say. Why is it so difficult to say no? Is it because we're scared or guilty, trying to be nice or is it that we don't want to disappoint or let down those people who are requesting something of us. Is it the unending need to be accepted by everyone around us, to be loved? Is saying yes the way to someone's heart?

The word no, by definition means not any, used to give a negative response, not at all or to no extent, or a negative answer or decision as in voting according to the dictionary. The negativity implicated by the word no seems to be the thought that comes to mind to associate with it, but is "no" really a negative connotation? As I started to ponder my own struggles with saying no over the years, I realize that there are a lot of factors that contribute to my inability to say no. Growing up, and even today, I still am guilty of being a "yes" person. My parents instilled in us very early on that saying yes is a way of life. Saying yes is the way you build and keep relationships, signs of a hard worker, is the way to any major accomplishments you see for your future and is showing leadership through example. "You don't want to disappoint such and such do you, Laura?" That was and still is the mantra I play over and over again in my mind even when it comes to making a decision on staying home or going to work with the flu (the flu is an over-exaggeration and, as a medical professional I would never go to work with the flu but you get the idea). My parents, when we were growing up (my mom is still guilty of this) rarely, said no. They may have said no to us plenty of times but they never seemed to say no to anyone else. As children, my brother and I were voluntold to do everything, whether that be performing in the church during Christmas every year, joining after-school clubs and activities, going to Jack and Jill events that we may not have wanted to go to. We basically said yes to just about everything and as I got older I lost the word no in my vocabulary. Now, I will admit that saying yes to a lot of things that I may have wanted to say no to at a point really shaped person that I am today. Saying yes to things that were outside of my comfort zone, that would expose me to the rest of the world, those are yeses that I would never take back. Unfortunately, my inability to say no has also put me in precarious situations that have caused me a lot of turmoil and grief over the years.

Why is it so hard to say no? For me, personally, I instantly feel scared to say no due to my history with the word. The first time I ever really stood up for myself and said no resulted in job termination, and that episode, even to this day, paralyzes me from saying it in my current workplace. I asked this question to a couple of my friends and the common thread that I found through each of the replies to this statement was guilt. That fear of letting someone else down, the negative thoughts and feelings that come with utilizing that word; That saying no means that we're being mean or selfish that we aren't a team player. To me, there's a difference between saying no and not caring. To put it blunter, not giving a s*** about something. In the current social climate of self-care and self-preservation, the art of saying no is at an all-time high. Books, podcasts, and blogs are all empowering us to take more control of our lives, to not do things that we don't want to do because it will negatively impact our mental and emotional ability. I wholeheartedly agree with needing to take the time to care for oneself, but I think what's happened is that a lot of people have taken saying no as an equivalent to not giving a f*** and that's not OK either. I feel that the push towards saying yes to yourself and saying no to others has caused the spread of or this sense of uncaring, coldness and separation that now makes it, oddly enough, more difficult for people to say no because they do not want to be lumped into that group of people. It then makes the Super yes people feel even more guilty and the need to be more committal to things that, in all honesty, may not be the healthiest of decisions for them at that time, like they need to overcompensate for those people who decided that no means not giving a f***.

In my opinion, the ultimate reason we don't like saying no to others is that when we request something of someone else we don't want them to say no. No one likes to be told no. You see it in the grocery store with the little kid who throws a temper tantrum because mom or dad says no you can't have that candy or no you can't just put that in the cart Johnny and then pandemonium ensues. The same thing happens when we're adults we just, well some of us, won't make a scene in public about it LOL. Nobody wants to face rejection or feel disappointed, but once again it's our perception of the word that carries that kind that connotation forward to the point that when someone says no it is automatically a personal attack on us. If someone saying no to us feels like a personal attack when the shoe is on the other foot we also can't say no because we wouldn't want them to say no to us. With the way society, at least the direction in which society is headed today, I feel that it's going to be extremely important for all of us to become comfortable with saying no and understanding that the meaning behind saying no is not a personal affront. It's not because the person doesn't like us or they think we're stupid. It's not because they're not our friends, but sometimes you just have to say no. Depending on circumstances, whether it is the ability to perform the task, or just for your mental sanity, we can't always say yes to everything even if our innate desire is to do so.

"Innocence, your history of silence. Won’t do you any good. Did you think it would? Let your words be anything but empty. Why don’t you tell them the truth?" - Sarah Bareilles, Brave

At a point saying yes to everything ends up causing you to say no to yourself. If you can't say yes to you then you're no good saying yes to someone else. If you can't take care of yourself how can you take care of some of another person? If you can't pay your bills how are you going to say yes to going on a trip and spending money that you don't have? It's not because you don't love that person any less, but if you can't pay your bills is it realistic to start spending money that you just don't have? No. You know, you buy that dress, you pay for that trip, you buy those gifts and then the electric company turns your lights off so you have no power but your friend is happy. Is that really an effective way of living your life? You say yes to going out with someone for fear that you will be alone forever even though you know that he or she is all types of wrong for you. Is it a good thing to say yes knowing that disaster is ahead because you've been down that road before? They tell us to say no to drugs, say no to smoking, say no to unwanted advances. Why shouldn't we say no to ordinary everyday things that will also negatively impact our lives? These things are not coming from malice or hatred or dislike or we not giving a f*** mentality they're coming from necessity. If you can't take care of yourself how can you take care of others?

“...there are often many things we feel we should do that, in fact, we don't really have to do. Getting to the point where we can tell the difference is a major milestone in the simplification process.”

― Elaine St. James, Living the Simple Life: A Guide to Scaling Down and Enjoying More

It takes everything out of me to say yes almost equally as it does to say no and in instances where I have dredged up the courage to say no or I have had to say no due to circumstances I could not control, I instantly felt lighter and I realize that the person that I said no to understood. We have all been in situations where we've needed to say no and oddly enough, guess what if we all feel guilty saying no we should all understand why someone said no. It doesn't need an explanation. No is a complete sentence. if giving an explanation makes you feel better or an explanation is warranted, give it, but I think we need to grant each other a little bit more slack and a little bit more credit even when we can't do what you may want us to do. Now, there will be those people in our lives that will come into them and say no and they are just an a*******. There's always that someone who says no just to say no. But if it's your friend, if it's your family, if it's someone who has always had your best interest at heart, then pump your breaks on the judgment, be understanding and be supportive. If a person says no and doesn't give an explanation, that's their prerogative. Maybe it's something that they are ashamed of or afraid to share or it's something deeply personal. Whatever it is always keep in mind how you feel when you say no. It hurts you right? It's hurting them too they don't want to disappoint you 'cause nobody wants to feel disappointment so listen be receptive tell him that you're there if they need to talk about it further. Be caring, be kind.

In the words of Stephanie Lahart, author of Overcoming Life's Obstacles: Enlighten, Encourage and Empower, “Let today mark a new beginning for you. Give yourself permission to say NO without feeling guilty, mean, or selfish. Anybody who gets upset and/or expects you to say YES all of the time clearly doesn’t have your best interest at heart. Always remember: You have a right to say NO without having to explain yourself. Be at peace with your decisions.”

Sincerely,

LPJ